Feeling a bit better now

One of the affirmations I say to myself when things aren't going exactly my way and I'm being too hard on myself is, I forgive myself for being human.

I spent a whack of time in 2010 just focusing on trying to love who I am a little better and one of the things I realized, as I said in my last post, is that I beat myself up pretty bad when I'm not working at super-human speed.  This is pretty terrible considering that I never work at a super-human speed because, well, I'm not super-human.  So being angry at myself for it is like being furious for not having the ability to shoot metal claws out of my knuckles to shred drafts I'm not happy with.  That's why I came up with the above affirmation.  So when I get down on myself for not being good enough (another one of those human traits) I repeat the phrase and actually feel that forgiveness.  It helps me breathe a little easier so I can remember that being human can actually be kind of great.

Can I shout now? And I don't mean from the rooftops...

Let me start with something positive because I'm not sure if this blog post will end on the same note.  I still love writing.  Okay, maybe I should rephrase that: I don't always love writing because it's f#$%!ing hard, but writing is an act of love for me, of devotion.  Somehow, don't ask me how, there are moments when I'm writing when I feel like I'm giving all the love I have to give.

It's that love people put into the things they create.  Some people put their love into cooking, some into art, fashion, music...you catch my drift.  For me it's writing.  I don't always love doing it but I always try to put love into it in the hopes that one day someone else might feel the love too.

I feel pretty vulnerable admitting that.  It's something I feel about writing that is personal to me but I guess right now I'm putting it out there.  That's because I'm feeling pretty raw at the moment and I guess I'm hoping that expressing that might make me feel, well, a little better.

I'm half way through my rewrites.  I've been having some amazing writing days, when I feel like nothing can touch me.  And I've run into those days where I'm sure I've crashed, crisped and crumbled.  I bet you can guess which one of those days yesterday was....

There's no reason for it really but it's a physical feeling.  Something's not right.  I felt like that the day before yesterday too, and the day before that and a bit of last week.  And all of the bad feelings came from this one thought: Why can't I go any faster?

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to pressure.  I put more on myself than anyone else ever possibly could and it's been that way since the day I was conceived.  Lately, I get so frustrated when I have to stop and think about what I need to write next and the answer doesn't just appear before me, like a fully cooked meal out of The Replicator on Star Trek.  This is ridiculous, I think.  There shouldn't be anything left to figure out with this draft.  The pieces are there.

Oh but they're not all there.  Bodies are floating around in my mind without heads and heads rolling without bodies.  And maybe none of that would be so bad if I didn't feel like being so hard on myself.

So this is me today. My parade is rained on.  And the fact that after using this Streisand cliche I can only think of ending this post with another from Annie means it's time for me to go.

I live in LA now after all.  So I guess the sun is bloody well coming out.

Cozy feet make me happy

This is going to be another one of those short posts, where I give thanks for something and hope you give thanks for something too — be it on this blog, or in your head or by yelling out the window.

My short, non-writing blog posts as of late are due to the whole whack of novel writing I'm trying to get done by a deadline I've given myself which I will not share with you here.  Why? Because this deadline seems almost impossible to reach at the moment and putting the deadline out there in the world will only put more pressure on me to get it done.  I don't need more pressure.  I just need to get it done.  And I will.  I will!  (I hope).  Soon I'll tell you why I've given myself this deadline and hopefully when I do it will be because I've made it!

In the meantime, it's Friday, and though I feel grateful everyday, Friday is my favourite day to say thanks. This Friday, I'm saying thanks for a gift one of my best friend's got me a few years ago that I still wear almost every day.  That's these:

They were handmade by an Ojibwe woman living on a reserve somewhere in Ontario (I think Thunder Bay but I'm not sure).  The cuff is fox fur, the inside is sheep skin (I believe) and the outer part of the moccasins are made from hide that was stretched over a fire.  When I first got them they smelled like camp fire and this made them 100 times cooler.  All that beading is hand-stiched too.  I pretty much can't be inside my house without them.  They also remind me of the dear friend who gave them to me and there's nothing like a pair of shoes that keep your feet warm and your heart warm at the same time.

Grateful!

My heart's a drummer

I've decided this is my theme song for this year.  I've been listening to Leah Michelle's version after burning through season one and two of Glee on Netflix.  I've even been listening to it on my morning runs and loving every second. Gratitude just bursting.  This is the version she sang live at the 2010 Tony's.

In case you don't know, this song is originally Barbara Streisand's from Funny Girl.  My biggest revealer on this blog yet.....I have never seen Funny Girl.  Bahh!!! I realize this is blasphemous and have promised myself that I will watch it soon (though I've promised myself this many times and it hasn't worked out yet).  I'll probably cry from love through the whole thing, but I'm saving that watch for my next visit to Toronto, so I can see Funny Girl for the first time with my little sis, who has told me many times that it is just about the most awesome movie ever and even though Leah Michelle does a stellar job, Barbara is still Queen.

Life is juicy, people - go on, be grateful for that juice!!

Who doesn't enjoy a margarita?

Seriously? I thanked my lucky stars for these pink goblets of yum.

I'd also like to take this time to make gratitude shout outs for new sources of income and new writer friends!  I guess that means two more rounds!  (And just for the record I barely drink these days but the margaritas at this place are to die for!).

Oh Chapter 9, you just want all the attention...

Remember when I dove into my rewrites?  Well now that's me, below there, swimming through Chapter 9.

I'll let you know when I get somewhere.

Jasmine rocks!

Last week Tom and I drove through Laurel Canyon, a road that goes through the hills, connecting Studio City to West Hollywood.  Night had just fallen, we had the windows down and driving into the hills a powerful floral scent embraced us.  The fragrance wrapped its arms around him and I and all we kept saying was, "what is that smell?"

Jasmine

New to LA, we learned this pungent flower blooms all over LA starting in February and as a result the place smells fantastic.  Not what you would expect amidst the car culture here.  

Gratitude abounds.