Can I shout now? And I don't mean from the rooftops...

Let me start with something positive because I'm not sure if this blog post will end on the same note.  I still love writing.  Okay, maybe I should rephrase that: I don't always love writing because it's f#$%!ing hard, but writing is an act of love for me, of devotion.  Somehow, don't ask me how, there are moments when I'm writing when I feel like I'm giving all the love I have to give.

It's that love people put into the things they create.  Some people put their love into cooking, some into art, fashion, music...you catch my drift.  For me it's writing.  I don't always love doing it but I always try to put love into it in the hopes that one day someone else might feel the love too.

I feel pretty vulnerable admitting that.  It's something I feel about writing that is personal to me but I guess right now I'm putting it out there.  That's because I'm feeling pretty raw at the moment and I guess I'm hoping that expressing that might make me feel, well, a little better.

I'm half way through my rewrites.  I've been having some amazing writing days, when I feel like nothing can touch me.  And I've run into those days where I'm sure I've crashed, crisped and crumbled.  I bet you can guess which one of those days yesterday was....

There's no reason for it really but it's a physical feeling.  Something's not right.  I felt like that the day before yesterday too, and the day before that and a bit of last week.  And all of the bad feelings came from this one thought: Why can't I go any faster?

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to pressure.  I put more on myself than anyone else ever possibly could and it's been that way since the day I was conceived.  Lately, I get so frustrated when I have to stop and think about what I need to write next and the answer doesn't just appear before me, like a fully cooked meal out of The Replicator on Star Trek.  This is ridiculous, I think.  There shouldn't be anything left to figure out with this draft.  The pieces are there.

Oh but they're not all there.  Bodies are floating around in my mind without heads and heads rolling without bodies.  And maybe none of that would be so bad if I didn't feel like being so hard on myself.

So this is me today. My parade is rained on.  And the fact that after using this Streisand cliche I can only think of ending this post with another from Annie means it's time for me to go.

I live in LA now after all.  So I guess the sun is bloody well coming out.

Jasmine rocks!

Last week Tom and I drove through Laurel Canyon, a road that goes through the hills, connecting Studio City to West Hollywood.  Night had just fallen, we had the windows down and driving into the hills a powerful floral scent embraced us.  The fragrance wrapped its arms around him and I and all we kept saying was, "what is that smell?"

Jasmine

New to LA, we learned this pungent flower blooms all over LA starting in February and as a result the place smells fantastic.  Not what you would expect amidst the car culture here.  

Gratitude abounds.

Thank you for the days I can waste because If I want to I can

So I may have lied in my last blog post but what you need to know is that I didn't mean to. It's just that, I may have been a little overambitious.  I read for 14 hours last Wednesday and I only got half way through reading my first draft (Bah!).

No, this isn't because I'm a slow reader (which I am) it's because I was making so many notes that it was just taking me a lot longer than expected to get through each page.  Also, life got in the way a bit the rest of the week, as it tends to do, which means it's Monday and I'm still not finished reading.  I will finish this week though. I promise!!!  And then I'll have more to say later.

What I have more to say on now, is two words:  Thank you.  Yes, thank you (and yes I'm a bit italic happy today as you can tell). But really and truly, thank you for reading this blog.  I know it's just the beginning and it's boring and I haven't yet turned to a completely regular blog schedule (though I will!) but my stats are better than 0 and that's pretty darn good.

The other thing I have to say about these two words today (you know, Thank and You) is that what they mean is really important to me.  Gratitude is so important to me in fact that without it I would probably be considering suicide (well not really because I'm scared of dying but you know what I mean).

Gratitude is really what gets us out of bed everyday, happy for the experiences we've had and eager for what's coming next.  If you're grateful for nothing then you may as well be dead.  (Hence the suicide mention).

Seriously though, EVERYONE can be grateful for something, whether it's the obvious things like your health, your breath, the ice cream you had last night for desert (or not so grateful if you're lactose intolerant), your family, or that really friendly gal at the cheese shop who chatted you up for no reason and reminded you that some people really are just nice.  If you can put one foot in front of the other then you have something to be grateful for.

What I'm saying here, albeit kind of randomly, is that I like to think about and talk about the things I'm grateful for and I like to hear what other people are grateful for too.  So I'm going to make this a regular blog thing.  One day a week.  You'll hear about one thing I'm grateful for.  It could have to do with writing. It could have to do with yummy food, or new curtains, or the love in my life, yoga, sunshine, rain, getting an awesome new hair cut, picking out a new sofa or picking my nose (cause let's just face it people, sometimes you gotta do it, you just gotta).

Hopefully, with all these thank yous I'll be blogging, you'll want to comment on what you're grateful for too.  You could have one thing you're grateful for that you'd like to share.  Or heck, if you've got more than one then by gosh darn golly, you just go ahead and share those too. (And if that last statement made you think I live in Texas now instead of LA, I don't.  That's just the way that sentence needed to come out and I'm not even quite sure if that's how a proper Texans would speak anyway).

Now, back to now.  What am I grateful for?  A song, by my new favourite band Foster the People.  The song is called Waste and the reason I'm grateful for it is because whenever I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough done, or I'm a bit unmotivated, this song reminds me that I have the power to waste the day.  Sure there's consequences, there always are, but that doesn't mean I don't have the choice.

OR....I have the power to take today and do with it what I need to so I can be the change I want to see in my world (and by the way that's me ripping off Ghandi, not the song).

So, in other words, I've got a lot of freedom and regardless of where you work or what your life looks like if you live in the West, you probably have a lot of freedom too.

Ain't that something to be grateful for?????

Now go on, what is it you feel like saying thanks for right now?

This is the edelweiss

Since we’re about half way through January I thought I better get this out before it’s too late.

You know that thing I said I'd do?  Yeah, well, I just wanted to let you know that even though it sounds like a big fat shining New Year’s resolution, it isn’t one.  Not really.

I know, I know.  You’re thinking, “What the heck is she talking about?  Her blog is called This is the year.  Her first blog entry is about how this year she’s made a pact to finish writing a trilogy.  And she published her first blog post on New Year's Day.  It's a resolution in neon lights!” 

Okay, so you're right.  But I didn’t plan it like that.

What I planned was to begin a blog when we moved to LA.  I knew making my writing journey somewhat public would bring another level of accountability to finishing my writing projects, and when we moved I knew I would be putting writing first.  Something about not having a full time job anymore and being so ridiculously far away from most people I know kind of sealed that deal.  Plus, aspiring authors/authors need to be on the Internet these days anyway.  Don't take my word for it, take his. 

But it wasn’t until I was getting ready to leave for India in November that I decided to call this blog This is the year.  I wanted to call it that not only because this is the year I would be putting writing first, but because I hope that every year, from now on, I’ll be blogging about writing (and hopefully a writing career!) as mine makes like edelweiss, blooming and growing, blooming and growing.  

Then, it wasn't until I got to India, and I was on that roof, that I thought if I'm going to be putting writing first, if I'm going to be dedicating so much time, then I better step up my game.

So in other words, what I'm really trying to say here is that this year, it’s not going to be the only one.  Because this blog isn't just about one year, one resolution.  It’s about evolution.  On Jan 17th, 2012, I’m just letting you know where in that evolution I am.

Next up is this. 

I’ll be reading it for the first time straight through tomorrow. 

I’ll be sure to let you know how that goes…

And finally, Happy Birthday Mom!  Love you!!!!